Fathers' Day: An Important Celebration

   
     
     The research is crystal-clear about that it does to kids who don't have a dad who is both present and engaged.  Kids with an involved dad (not perfect, but involved) tend to do much better in life.  They finish high school, go to college, have higher self-esteem, succeed better at tests, are less likely to be depressed, have less anxiety, and the list goes on.

     Dr. Meg Meeker, M.D., a well-known and respected psychologist in the field of healthy families, tells us that dads need to see themselves through their kids eyes.  "Our kids are saying, consciously or not, 'Dad, you are critical for my development.  You are key to my future and my hope.  I need you'."  Most dads don't know that, and don't feel that. 

     Due in part to negative cultural attitudes, 45% of white and Latino homes in the U.S. have no dad at home, and 70% of African-American homes have none.

     Studies show that the vast majority of dads devalue their importance to their children.  Fathers typically tell researchers things like, "I really want to be a better dad, but I know I'm failing."  We tend to see ourselves as not doing a very good job, and we're demoralized about it.  This is true of many fathers from all walks of life, professions, classes, and races in the U.S.

     Yet a dad is critical in the life of both a son and of a daughter.  

     Dads play very different role in their sons' development and in their daughters' development. 

     For a boy to grow up to be be a good man, he needs to see a good man in action.  A lot of men today have grown up without having had that influence, and don't know how to act.  It is crucial for a boy to grow into manhood experiencing dad as seeing him as valuable.  A mom is important too, but boys need the example of a good man.

     A daughter learns to relate to men through her dad.  She learns what it's like to be treated as a valuable woman.  She sees how her dad treats her mom and other women.  She sees how he treats her.  With a dad who has treated her well, she'll grow up to expect good behavior from a boyfriend.

     A lot of negative stereotyping of dads persists in our culture.  Dads are too often portrayed as bumbling, the butt of the jokes of the rest of the family, and not essential.

     Dads often miss the fact of how hugely important their role is.  Research shows that the factor that most shapes their children's identity and character, the thing that healthy kids want most from both fathers and mothers, is time with Dad and Mom.  

     It's too easy to sign our kids up for soccer or dance believing that our kids will grow up well if they have enough experiences outside the home.  Studies show that that's untrue.  Now-adult kids of both sexes, over the past 30 years, say that what helped them most to become the people they wanted to be--what most changed who they became as adults--was face-time with their dads and moms, but especially with their dads.

     There has been a number of high-profile suicides in the U.S. that get a lot of publicity.  Indeed the suicide rate has increased by a horrifying 25% in recent years, and it is rising among kids too.  Less well-known is that anxiety and depression among kids are at epidemic proportions, and that they are manifesting at a younger and younger age.  

     Experts point to a lot of factors.  But they say that depression in kids is about self-hatred.  Kids hate themselves when they feel unloved, when no one spends much time with them, when they're not treated equally compared to a sibling, and when they feel isolated (even in their home with their family).  Screens and other devices can lead to this isolation and sense of being disconnected, not the least because over time kids become increasingly desperate to maintain their ideal screen image, and experience their real lives as so inferior to it.  

     Isolation, loneliness, and sadness most often come from a sense of not being loved, or not being equally loved.  It's what drives depression in kids.  

     Dr. Meeker recommends banning devices in the bedroom in order to help keep the family more together.  Parents, even parents of 18-year-olds, should know what their kids are looking at, what they're doing, and how much time they're spending on devices.  But a lot of parents feel overwhelmed, saying that there's no way they can do this.  

     But it's critical that there be no secrets in the home.  That makes for good marriages, and it makes for good parent-son and parent-daughter relations.  Even teenagers need to be protected, from themselves and from what comes across devices.

     It isn't always easy for us dads to have confidence.  There are high-profile phenomena like the now-highjacked #MeToo movement, but more importantly there is a more general cultural atmosphere that teaches kids to distrust men, including their dads.  It's as if masculinity itself is toxic, dangerous, and must be forbidden.  

     It's important for us dads not to be cowed by that anti-dad, anti-male anger, especially because it is strong, prevalent, and gaining momentum.  Male-bashing is devastating to girls, because they then grow up not being able to trust men, so come to dislike them.  This is deeply confusing to girls because they want and need to trust and to love their dads.

     We dads must feel comfortable in our masculinity, and never misuse it.  There are men who are ashamed of it.  That's self-destructive and destructive of our families.  Trust your good instincts as a dad.

     Men need respect to be good men and fathers.  Wives, you can respect, and show that respect, to your husband.  Respect, like love, is a grace, a gift, that's given.  Don't talk down to your husband, be polite to him, don't try to dominate or be overly critical.

     Finally, men, show up and be present when you come home from work.  Yes, you're tired.  So is your wife.  Above all, remember how important you are.